I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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