I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
