she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
This house was built for laser tag.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
