My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
