If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
