Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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