My liver just broke up with me...
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
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