I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
