I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
