I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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