Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
