shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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