Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You're a waste of cheezeits
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
