I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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