whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
In other news, I just burned my penis
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
