I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
