Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
