my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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