Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
