I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
