I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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