Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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