She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
