Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
