dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i came on her dog
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
