I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
