he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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