ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize