there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
