On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize