Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
