At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
