If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
