do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
