i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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