walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize