His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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