Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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