i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
