I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
