apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
