her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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