Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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