yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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