My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
