cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize