i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
