Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
