dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
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