he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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