Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
