I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
