I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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