my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
