he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
