You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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