I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
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