No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
