my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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