life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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