remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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