mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
