yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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