Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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