Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
